Does it seem too good to be true that just one minute (or less) per day could really improve your marriage?
There actually is something free and easy you can do every day to bring you and your spouse closer together: the daily passionate kiss.
Not a peck on the cheek.
Not the quick kiss on the lips.
Not the poofy-lip kiss in the air while you wave from across the room.
It’s the real deal, 5-30 second kiss that communicates “I love you,” “I am for you,” “I am still crazy about you.”
Movies and romance novels would lead us to believe that passionate kissing always happens spontaneously, a product of raw desire. Remember how you and your spouse kissed when you were dating? You dreamt of those kisses and you kissed often. But after a few years of marriage (and maybe a few kids too), the kisses became less and less romantic, not to mention less frequent.
Over time, you may discover that kissing takes effort and is actually more intentional than emotional. Psychologist and author Dr. David Clarke points out,
Kissing is ongoing work. It’s not like the movies where you have all the chemistry. That’s always true early in the relationship but the movies don’t take us all the way through. Culture says, “You can’t have it decade after decade. Don’t expect that. You’re going to get divorced and move on and find someone else.” Well, that’s not what God says. You’ve got to keep those romantic behaviors going.
I know what some of you wives are thinking. If I kiss my husband passionately every day, he will think it is the “go signal” for sex when we just don’t have time for that! You might have some miscommunication problems! So before you start your daily passionate kissing habit, you can have a conversation with your husband that sounds something like this:
Honey, I want to be closer to you and more romantic. I read that daily passionate kissing really helps a husband and wife stay intimate in a marriage, so I am going to do an experiment and kiss you every day. Every time I kiss you is not a signal for lovemaking. It’s just my way of saying “I love you” and “It feels so good to be near you.”
I don’t think too many husbands would have a hard time with that conversation. My husband James and I have been married more than 20 years and we have known for several years about the power of daily passionate kissing. But just because you know about something (and even agree with it) doesn’t mean you always do it consistently.
About three weeks ago, James approached me with something on his mind. “I need your help with something,” he began. “We haven’t been doing our daily kissing. Some days we’re on. Some days we’re off. I can’t remember when we kissed every day for a month straight. Will you help me so that we can get back on track?”
He proposed…a kissing chart! He literally drew boxes on a piece of white paper, dated the squares and stuck it on the refrigerator. Whenever we kiss for 5-30 seconds, we put an X in the square. We made a rule that you have to kiss before bedtime in the bedroom in order for it to count for the day.
Keeping a record of kisses has actually brought more playfulness into our marriage. Now we are looking for opportunities to smooch in the day, trying to be the initiator of the kiss, and not only the recipient. The kissing chart is a great visual even for your kids to observe as an added benefit. Your teenagers can know it’s a kissing chart (how gross!). It’s a way for your teens to see that married people kiss and have fun too!
You might tell your younger children it’s a kindness chart. You can explain that when your spouse does something kind, you put an X in the square. Who knows? Your child may want a kindness chart of his or her own.
The daily passionate kiss between a husband and wife keeps the romance alive. Constant physical affection keeps us from drifting apart. You don’t want to wake up five years from now and feel like you’re more of a business partner or roommate with your spouse. You want to remain lovers until death do you part. Daily kissing will help you do that. Will you always feel like kissing? No, but you can make the decision to kiss. Be intentional in showing affection…and the feelings will follow.
Arlene Pellicane is a speaker and author of several books including Parents Rising: 8 Strategies for Raising Kids Who Love God, Respect Authority, and Value What’s Right. and 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Mom. Learn more at ArlenePellicane.com.