Six truths for the wife who finds out her husband looks at porn

I’m not going to pretend to know what it’s like for a wife to find out her husband looks at pornography. For that, I’ll rely on Kara Garis.

Garis, a mother of three, has been married for nearly eight years. And despite having a great relationship with her husband, one night the “unexpected” happened: She caught him looking at porn.

“We had sat through sermons together. We had nodded our heads in unison, agreeing. Yes, porn wrecks lives. Yes, porn objectifies women. Yes, yes, all the things, yes. We had even discussed it, ad nauseum,” she writes at Desiring God.

That started a long journey to reconciliation, and a tough road for her personally. But she’s offering hope and truth for women who find themselves in the same situation. Six of them, actually.

Read: Could this be the secret to breaking free from pornography

“Through a lot of counseling, tears, discussions, and prayer — a long process of healing and grace-filled restoration in Christ — God has shown me several truths that might minister to other wives like me,” she says.

Here are the things she learned, with a small explanation.

You, sweet woman, are not in a battle against your husband.

You and your husband together are in a battle against sin. Satan would love nothing more than to separate yet another covenant bond.

His sin is not your body’s fault.

Sister in Christ, you will age. You are aging! There will be seasons where you are not able to look like you did on your wedding day. I have had three children. I can attest to this personally. We have to trust God with our eight-week-postpartum body. We have to trust him with our newlywed body. And, although I have not personally experienced this yet, we have to trust him with our elderly body.

Embrace Jesus’s sovereignty, and trust him for your husband.

Jesus is Lord over all, including your husband’s struggles. Grace alone can bring about the permanent change your husband so desperately needs. Not you. You are not his Lord. You are not and have never been capable of changing someone else’s heart condition.

Your sin of bitterness is not justified.

Sexual sin has dire consequences. It wrecks families. People lose their jobs over it. … However, your bitterness and resentment are also not to be taken lightly (Ephesians 4:31). Be honest with your husband, but do not condemn him (Romans 8:1).

He needs you and your forgiveness now more than ever.

We are called to bear one another’s burdens and to forgive, just as we have been forgiven (Colossians 3:13), and not just when those burdens are more convenient for us. Those commands are meant precisely for moments when it is hard to forgive … .

Your husband is not your savior, and you are not his.

Accountability structures and rules and online limits all have their place at times. But ultimately, it comes down to you alone in those moments of temptation. It is in those moments that you can only trust Jesus to help you. And it is in those moments that you can only trust Jesus to help your husband.

“So, press on, sweet friend,” she concludes. “Give your husband to God every day. Trust that he has plans for your husband that include this part of his story. And trust the same for yourself, too.”

Read the full article, here.

Now read: Three ways to deal with lust in your marriage

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