She said she couldn’t tell me with 100% certainty that I was going to miscarry, but I knew.
I’m not totally sure I’m ready to be writing about this since it just happened this month. I can already feel the back of my eyes burning from tears that are waiting to surface, but I can’t get the thought of writing about it out of my mind. I feel like I’m supposed to share this with you, I feel called. So, here we go.
Miscarriage is so common, they tell you.
1 in 5 women will experience a miscarriage, they say.
There is nothing you could have done to prevent this, they repeat over and over again.
While I know all of is true, it did not take the pain away. Deep, miserable, heart-hollowing pain. Unknowingly, my little baby stopped growing at 6 and a half weeks. The baby my husband and I prayed over for a month, the baby we planned our life around, the baby I dreamed about, the baby we temporarily named “Peanut,” the baby that was going to be in my arms in 9 months… That baby is in Heaven now.
I will not be able to put perfect words around what my heart is going through, but I have to tell you something… God’s Word is true. I’ve never been more confident of this truth in my entire life. Let me explain.
I never knew how I would react to such terrible news, and you really don’t know how terrible news like this is until you experience it first-hand. You can imagine sadness and disappointment, but until it happens to you, you really have no idea that your heart can feel this level of brokenness.
The ride home from the emergency doctor’s appointment was awful. My husband and I were in two separate cars, so I was alone. I don’t know how I made it home, honestly. My eyes were closed and filled with tears most of the way. I screamed out to God, though I don’t really know what I was wanting back from Him. I just hurt, and I needed Him to know.
I got home and curled up in a ball on the couch with my husband. “I am totally wrecked,” he said. “Me too,” I replied.
I will never forget the following 24 hours. I miscarried naturally. The emotional and physical pain will always be seared into my mind… But there was a little, beautiful sliver of light intertwined throughout these two days that I will hold onto, also.
God was and has continued to be unmistakably close.
I’m not talking about worship songs, scripture, or encouragement from friends and family. That was all present, and without a doubt incredible, but I’m talking about God Himself. His presence. His embrace. His still, gentle voice. I knew He was near. My soul knew.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
That verse… That short, simple, popular verse has proven itself to be completely true, word for word. Especially the word near.
I think we, as finite humans, struggle to understand how an infinite God could be near to us, spacially and actually near, just like a friend or a spouse or a parent is near. So, we think it doesn’t actually mean near. “It’s a metaphor,” some might say, explaining away something they have yet to experience or understand.
I think I have struggled to fully understand this, too. In fact, prior to miscarrying, I was grappling with the idea of really knowing God. I was continually asking in prayer, “Can I really know you like I know a friend?”
Though, this is what He says in His Word. Seek Me and you will find Me when you seek Me with all of your heart (Jeremiah 29:13). Call and I will answer (Jeremiah 33:3). He’s not referring to His angel assistant or a pastor or a passing thought, He says He will give us HIMSELF.
He said ME. Himself. GOD. The LORD is close to you when your heart is broken. And He meant it.
I’ve heard His voice in prayer more than ever before the last couple of weeks. I feel Him near when I’m outside under the spring trees, and there’s a powerful confidence in His existence growing in my soul.
And you know what, I still hurt. He hasn’t taken the pain away quite yet, but He is with me. And to have the God of the universe close to me is something I would never trade. Truly.
There’s a whole slew of truths that God has been teaching me this month. He’s been teaching me about trust, obedience, love, marriage, friendship, the purpose of pain, and so much more. And I’m sure I’ll write about all of this in the coming months. Though I first need you to know this:
If you are going through pain, don’t hide it from God. Bring it straight to His feet and open your arms. Open your journal, your Bible, and wait. Once your heart is completely empty of the distractions of this world, when you realize that nothing else really matters because something really important has been taken from you, when you feel like your heart is physically aching, that is when you really need to draw near to God, because I promise He will draw near to you. And it’s amazing. He actually is strongest when we are weak (2 Corinthians 12:9). You will one day look back on this dark season, and while you may remember the pain, you will also be filled with praise because of what God did in your heart.
While I wish my husband and I never went through this, I am forever thankful for the nearness of God. And I want you to experience that. It will wake up your soul in a way that no other experience will. No, I don’t want you to hurt. But if you aren’t hurting right now, you eventually will, because we live in a fallen world and such is life. But take heart, dear friend, for He has overcome the world, and He loves you with an everlasting, never changing love (John 16:33, Jeremiah 31:3).
He wants to hold you. He wants to reveal more of Himself to you. He wants to be near to you.
“For it is not mere words that nourish the soul, but God Himself, and unless and until the hearers find God in personal experience they are not the better for having heard the truth. The Bible is not an end in itself, but a means to bring men to an intimate and satisfying knowledge of God, that they may enter into Him, that they may delight in His Presence, may taste and know the inner sweetness of the very God Himself in the core and center of their hearts.” – A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4
Caitlin Jordan is the assistant editor for TheCourage. She lives with her husband, Ryan, in Dallas, Texas. She is passionate about the importance of transparency and loving those that disagree with Christian beliefs. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter.